We Went to a Strip Club on a Date—Here's What It Did to Our Nervous System

Let me tell you a story I don't share often. A few years ago, my husband and I were in Vegas. We'd had dinner, drinks, and as we walked past an upscale gentleman's club, he asked: "Have you ever been to one of these?"

I hadn't. And my first instinct was: Absolutely not. That's not for me. That's shameful.

But then I thought: Why do I think that? Where did I learn that watching sexuality is shameful but participating in it is sacred? Who told me that? I couldn't come up with a good answer. Just cultural conditioning. Just shame.

So I said: "Let's try it."

Within ten minutes of sitting down—watching women dance with complete confidence and embodiment, watching them claim their sexuality without apology—something in my body woke up. My breathing deepened. My skin flushed. My awareness dropped from my head into my pelvis. I felt alive. Present. Curious. Aroused.

And here's what was wild: I wasn't being touched. I wasn't doing anything. I was just watching. But my body responded as if I were the one being touched. As if I were the one claiming that kind of unapologetic sexual power.

When we left and went back to our hotel? We had the best sex we'd had in months. Not because we'd learned some new technique. But because something in both of our nervous systems had been activated. Permission had been granted. Aliveness had been reignited.

The Voyeuristic Permission Paradox

Let me explain what's happening neurologically when you watch someone else be sexual. Your brain has something called mirror neurons. These are neurons that fire both when you perform an action and when you watch someone else perform that action.

This is why watching someone get hurt makes you wince. Why watching someone laugh makes you smile. Your brain simulates the experience as if you're doing it yourself. The same thing happens with sexual arousal.

A 2019 study from the Kinsey Institute found that women who watched erotic performance—not porn, but live performance—showed increased genital blood flow and self-reported arousal even when they weren't being touched. The researchers concluded: Visual arousal in women is not about the explicit content. It's about witnessing embodied, confident sexuality. It's about permission.

Here's the paradox: For many women, especially after 50, direct touch doesn't create arousal anymore. Not because the nerve endings are dead. But because the nervous system has coded direct touch as obligation, expectation, performance.

Your brain says: Someone touches me equals they want something from me equals I have to respond equals this is work. And arousal shuts down.

But watching someone else be sexual? There's no expectation. There's no obligation. There's no performance required. You're free to just feel. Your nervous system says: I'm safe. No one wants anything from me. I can experience arousal without having to do anything with it.

And paradoxically, that safety is what creates the arousal.

Dr. Emily Nagoski talks about this in her work on responsive desire. She says: "The brake has to be released before the accelerator can work." For many women, the brake is always on during partnered sex because there's too much expectation, too much obligation, too much pressure to respond.

But in a voyeuristic context? The brake releases. Because you're not the one performing. You're just witnessing. And when the brake releases? The accelerator finally has room to engage.

The Co-Regulated Arousal Effect

Here's where this gets even more interesting: You're not just watching a stranger. You're watching WITH your partner. That creates something called co-regulated arousal.

Your nervous systems start to synchronize. Your breathing patterns match. Your heart rates align. Your arousal feeds off each other's arousal in a feedback loop.

A 2021 study from the University of Montreal found that couples who shared novel, mildly transgressive experiences—things that were outside their normal routine but felt safe—reported higher relationship satisfaction and higher sexual desire than couples who stuck to familiar activities.

The researchers called it "shared transgression bonding." When you do something together that feels a little taboo, a little risky, a little outside your comfort zone—but still safe—your nervous systems bond through the shared experience.

You're creating a micro-adventure. A shared secret. A "remember when we did that?" moment. And that creates intimacy that routine cannot touch.

Think about it: When's the last time you and your partner did something genuinely new together? Not a new restaurant. Something that made you both a little nervous. A little curious. A little alive.

For most couples? Never. Or decades ago. You've been operating in the safety of the known. Which is great for stability. Terrible for arousal. Because arousal requires novelty. It requires the unknown. It requires your brain to pay attention because it doesn't know what's coming next.

The Solar Plexus Confidence Reclamation

When you witness powerful, unapologetic sexuality, it activates your Solar Plexus chakra—Manipura. Your Solar Plexus is located at your belly, just above your navel. It's the energy center of personal power, confidence, willpower, and self-esteem.

When your Solar Plexus is balanced, you experience confidence in your own desires, willpower to claim what you want, self-esteem that isn't dependent on external validation, personal power in intimate contexts, and agency over your own pleasure.

But when this chakra is blocked or underactive—which happens after years of putting everyone else's needs first, performing instead of being, shrinking instead of expanding—you experience shame about your desires, inability to ask for what you want, people-pleasing in the bedroom, loss of erotic agency, and feeling powerless in your own intimate life.

Sound familiar? That's not low libido. That's a blocked Solar Plexus.

And here's what's powerful: Witnessing someone else claim their sexuality with zero apology reactivates your Solar Plexus in a way that partnered sex often cannot. Why? Because when you're in partnered sex, you're focused on your partner's experience. You're managing their pleasure. You're performing for their gaze. Your Solar Plexus is shut down because you're in service mode, not power mode.

But when you're watching someone else? You're witnessing pure claim. Pure power. Pure "This is mine and I'm not apologizing for it." And your mirror neurons fire. Your Solar Plexus activates. Your body remembers: Oh. That's what confidence looks like. That's what claiming sexuality looks like. That's what power looks like. I can do that too.

The Practice: Solar Plexus Confidence Reclamation

Part One: The Witness Activation (During the experience)

While you're watching—whether it's a strip club, burlesque show, or even erotic art—place one hand on your Solar Plexus, just above your navel. As you watch the performer, ask yourself: "What does it feel like to witness someone claiming their sexuality without apology? Where do I feel that in my body? What does my Solar Plexus want to say?"

You might feel warmth, tingling, expansion. Or resistance, tightness, shame. Whatever arises—just notice it. Don't judge it. Just witness your own nervous system's response.

Part Two: The Mirror Practice (After the experience)

When you get home—before you have sex, before you do anything—stand in front of a mirror. Just you. Fully clothed at first. Place both hands on your Solar Plexus. And say out loud: "I claim my sexuality. I claim my desire. I claim my power. I am not apologizing."

Say it until you feel it. Until your Solar Plexus lights up. Until your body believes it. Then start to move. Not performing. Not dancing like the dancer. Just moving in ways that feel powerful to YOU. Maybe it's slow. Maybe it's still. Maybe it's a simple sway. Maybe it's just standing taller.

Whatever it is—you're reclaiming your body as a site of power instead of performance.

Part Three: The Integration (Ongoing)

Now when you're in partnered sex, you bring this activated Solar Plexus with you. You don't perform. You claim. You say: "Touch me here." You say: "Slower." You say: "I want to be on top." You say: "Let me show you what I need."

That's Solar Plexus energy. That's confidence. That's power. That's agency. And when you show up with that energy? Your partner doesn't feel criticized. He feels met by someone who's actually present, actually alive, actually claiming her own pleasure.

The Novelty Prescription

Your brain has a novelty-seeking circuit. It's driven by dopamine—the neurotransmitter of anticipation, curiosity, and reward. Dopamine doesn't spike when you get something familiar. It spikes when you encounter something unknown.

This is why new relationships feel electric. Not because the person is better. Because they're unknown. But in long-term relationships? You know exactly what's coming next. Same restaurant. Same movie. Same sex. Same everything. Your brain habituates. Dopamine flatlines. Curiosity dies.

But here's the good news: You don't need a new partner. You need new experiences WITH your partner.

A 2023 study from Stony Brook University found that couples who introduced novel experiences into their relationship—experiences that were outside their routine but still felt safe—showed increased dopamine activation and reported higher relationship satisfaction.

The key words: Novel. But safe. Not threatening. Not relationship-ending. Just different.

Here's my Novelty Prescription for couples: Once a quarter, do something that makes you both a little nervous. A little curious. A little "Are we really doing this?"

It could be a tantric workshop, an erotic art gallery opening, a sensual dance class, a couples' intimacy retreat, reading erotica out loud to each other, attending a burlesque show, or booking a hotel room just to have sex somewhere different.

The specific activity doesn't matter. What matters is: It's novel (you've never done it before), it's shared (you're doing it together), it's safe (you're not crossing hard boundaries), and it's slightly transgressive (it's outside your comfort zone).

When you do this quarterly? You give your nervous systems regular hits of novelty, dopamine, and co-regulated arousal that keep your relationship alive. Not just stable. Alive.

Permission to Explore

If this resonated—if you're curious about what your nervous system might need, if you're ready to reclaim your Solar Plexus confidence, if you want to understand the neuroscience of arousal after 50—my book Are We Gonna Have Sex or What? For Women Over 50 is coming out this spring.

This book is the complete guide to understanding your body's arousal patterns, your nervous system's needs, and your erotic power. Everything we talked about today? It's in there. Plus the practices, the research, the scripts, the frameworks—all of it.

And meanwhile, grab my Reignite Your Fire & Desire guide!

You're not broken. You're just bored. And baby, it's time to get curious again.

Dr. Julie Merriman, Ph.D., LPC-S, is a licensed professional counselor specializing in helping women over 50 reclaim sexual aliveness and intimacy through nervous system healing. Host of the Sexy After 50 podcast.