You didn’t lose your desire. You lost access to yourself.
Real answers about hormones, dryness, oral sex, toys, grief, and the conversations nobody taught you to have.
If the thought of working on yourself feels too heavy right now, start here. You don’t have to do anything yet but read.
★★★★★ WHAT READERS ARE SAYING
“Taking the shame out of sex”
“At the heart of Dr. Julie Merriman’s message is this: you are not broken.”
Toni T. (received a complimentary copy and shared an honest review)
“The book every peri-menopausal woman needs!”
“This book is exactly what I’ve been looking for! ... I’ve been learning from Dr Julie Merriman for years and she’s always so insightful. Finally a book that not only explains what’s going on but how to navigate life after peri menopause starts changing everything.”
Mandi Martin
“Nervous system restoration and desire reclamation”
“In accessible language and with simple, approachable exercises, Dr. Julie Merriman guides the reader through restoring the nervous system and reclaiming the desire that never truly left.”
JV Rubanick
From the outside, it looks like competence. You answer the texts, remember the birthdays, run the household calendar, and see everyone’s needs coming before they speak them. You function beautifully.
And somewhere under that steadiness, something went quiet. You love your partner and don’t want intimacy the way you used to. Your body feels like someone else’s. You’ve told yourself it’s age, or hormones, or that you should be grateful, and then you felt guilty for not feeling grateful.
You are not broken. You are not failing at womanhood. And you are not too old for this conversation.
“What struck me was rarely an absence of desire. It was an absence of permission.”
From Chapter 1, The First Spark
It’s not your libido. It’s your nervous system.
Desire needs surplus: surplus energy, surplus attention, surplus safety. After decades of being everyone’s anchor, caregiver, and emotional manager, you’ve had none of the three to spare. A body in protection mode does not make room for pleasure.
And you may have been waiting for the wrong kind of desire. The lightning strike, the sudden urge, belongs to new relationships. For many women after fifty, desire begins as neutral and builds once touch, connection, and safety show up. Neutral isn’t no. It’s a body waiting for the right conditions.
“Midlife does not end eroticism. It ends autopilot eroticism.”
From Chapter 6, Why You Don’t Feel Like Having Sex
THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU IF:
You function beautifully and feel almost nothing, and you can’t say when that started
You love your partner and dread intimacy
You’ve done the therapy, read the books, and left the doctor’s office with a pamphlet
You know you need to do something, but even the thought of working on yourself feels like too much
You feel invisible, and you’re tired of pretending that doesn’t hurt
You want to feel like yourself again, and you suspect “yourself” is bigger than the version you remember
WHAT’S INSIDE: 44 CHAPTERS IN SEVEN PHASES
Dr. Merriman’s Radiance Reset Model™ takes you from permission to full aliveness, one phase at a time. Every chapter ends with an Integration Practice you can do in your journal and a Sex Truth you’ll want to repeat.
Part 1: Reclaim
The First Spark. The Myths We Inherited About Sex. The Disappearing Woman.
Part 2: Regulate
When Your Body Changes. Vaginal Dryness and Pleasure, “the sexiest chapter you never knew you needed.” Why You Don’t Feel Like Having Sex.
Part 3: Reawaken
When the Flame Goes Out. Porn, fantasies, strip clubs, and erotic curiosity. Dating After Fifty (you can date your spouse). First-Time Sex Again, after divorce, loss, illness, or a long dry spell.
Part 4: Reframe
Sexy in Your Skin. Hormones and Libido Truths. Mobility, Pain, and Position Hacks. Cosmetic Choices Without Shame. Nutrition and Supplements. Sex When You’re Sick. Landscaping Your Lady Garden. STIs After Fifty. Sleeping Together (or Apart).
Part 5: Radiate
Oral sex, both ways. What Your Man Needs From You. Sexting and Flirting. Spicy Positions. Role Play and Bondage. Anal Sex. Sex Toys. And six brave conversations that change how you ask for what you want.
Part 6: Integrate
Tantric Energy and Sacred Erotic Presence. Emotional Intimacy. The Erotic Grief No One Talks About. Erotic Sovereignty. Trauma, Freeze, and Reawakening Sensation. Post-Menopausal Erotic Power. A Sexual Empowerment Manifesto.
Part 7: Emerge
Empty Nest. Aging Parents and Emotional Overload. Widowhood and Wanting Again. Rewriting Your Erotic Identity. Your Radiance Era Begins Now.
★★★★★ “A Refreshingly Honest Look at Midlife and Desire”
“Dr. Julie Merriman approaches a topic that many women struggle to talk about with honesty, compassion, and absolutely no judgment.”
Jeannie C
TRY IT RIGHT NOW (about a minute)
A sample from Chapter 1. Grab any scrap of paper and finish this sentence honestly: “I am not broken. I am...” Tired. Stretched thin. Grieving. Bored. Any of it counts. You’re not solving anything. You’re telling the truth.
Then, a 30-second reset. If you can walk to a sink, you can do this. Run the water cold. Cup your hands and splash it across your cheeks and just under your eyes, two or three times. The first second will wake you up. Stay with it. Pat your face dry, don’t wipe it. Then stand with your hands on the counter and let one long exhale go. No counting, no technique.
Notice what changed. Your heart might feel slower. Your face might feel more awake. Your thoughts might have gone quieter, or just different. Any of that counts.
Nothing was broken, and you didn’t have to do anything big. You gave a body that’s been braced for years one clean, surprising signal that it can stand down for a minute. That’s the whole idea behind this book, and you just felt it.
If you have a heart condition or a slow heart rate, skip the cold water or check with your doctor first.
Not ready to buy yet? Start with the free Desire Reset Guide: three small practices over three days. That’s the whole ask.
About the Author
Dr. Julie Merriman, LPC-S, is a licensed therapist, professor, and host of the Sexy After 50 podcast. She has spent three decades in clinical practice, including running psychiatric units and community mental health centers, and is a Certified Sex Counselor, Certified Compassion Fatigue Therapist, and Registered Trauma Therapist.
The title of this book is a question she asked her husband on their first date, thirty-five years ago. He nearly wrecked his little red Toyota. They’re still together.
She spent years researching burnout and compassion fatigue. Then she had her own crash and burn. In the middle of it, even the thought of working on herself felt too heavy to reach for, and she came close to losing the beautiful life she had built. That story is her book In Pursuit of Soul Joy. It also sent her deep into nervous system research, where she saw the same load shutting down desire and pleasure in the women she treated. That became this body of work.
She knows from experience that it’s hard to take the first step when you’re depleted, and that it’s worth it. She helps women come home to themselves after a lifetime of burnout and “being good,” and she lives on a ranch in Bosque County, Texas.
MORE FROM READERS
★★★★★ “This is a beautiful and informative book.”
“... It is honest in a way women need to feel held and seen. ... And the practices or rituals are tools for a lifetime.”
Amazon Customer, Canada (Verified Purchase)
★★★★★ “This is groundbreaking!”
“Her words are comforting and refreshing to all women in this phase of life. I highly recommend this book to anyone struggling in their personal journey with menopause and aging gracefully!”
Brad S
★★★★★ “Excellent information!”
“Excellent read, great information!”
Kaitlin D
“Desire rarely disappears. It often waits for language.”
From Chapter 29, Conversations for Desire